Let Me Look Down Your Pants
by NineHundredThirteen
Summary: Byakuya doesn't believe that Ichigo's hair is natural... CRACK!CRACK!CRACK!


**-Let Me Look Down Your Pants-**

**CRACK!CRACK!CRACK!- you have been warned.**

**…**

Byakuya sat silently as Ichigo and Rukia entered the room and sat formally across from him. Rukia appeared nervous while Ichigo appeared panicked…and a tad crazed.

Rukia's small hands were folded on her lap and her lilac eyes were turned downward. Perfect form, a perfect Kuchiki.

Ichigo on the other hand… Well, he was seated with his knees crookedly touching, palms flat on the ground and his spine curved to a point where it looked uncomfortable. His hair looked disarrayed, more so than usual, and his eyes were sweeping the entire room as though he was expecting an ambush.

Neither Rukia or Ichigo spoke, both lost in thought. Byakuya cleared his throat. Rukia jumped to attention while Ichigo jumped out the window.

Yes, Ichigo jumped out the window. That orange-head sprinted out of there like the place was on fire.

Rukia gave a very unladylike growl, a curse under her breath, and chased after him.

Byakuya was left alone. He looked down, to his unfinished paperwork, and started working again.

Not two minutes later, Rukia returned with Ichigo in tow.

Byakuya didn't bother to look up from his paperwork this time.

"Nii-sama." Rukia spoke with a slight tremor in her voice. "Ichigo and I,…"

Several seconds of silence passed and Byakuya finally looked up.

"Ichigo and I…are together."

Byakuya raised an eyebrow and both Rukia and Ichigo seemed to cringe.

"Together?" Byakuya asked, no indication of anything in his voice.

Rukia stood her ground proudly. "For almost three mouths now."

Byakuya turned his gaze to Ichigo and the boy started rambling incoherently. Rukia promptly shut him up with one of her glares.

"I see." Byakuya said. He put down his pen and interlaced his fingers on his desk. "I do not approve."

"Huh?" Rukia blurted.

Ichigo finally spoke. "I told you!"

"Why not, Nii-sama?"

Byakuya narrowed his eyes on Ichigo.

"See! He doesn't like me!" Ichigo said frantically. The substitute-shinigami tried to escape again but Rukia held onto him fast. "Let me go!"

"Look at him, Rukia." Byakuya said flatly.

Rukia, with confusion marring her face, turned toward Ichigo. Rukia analyzed him. Nothing seemed different. "What is it, Nii-sama?"

Ichigo was also confused. His hazel eyes looking down to see if something was wrong with his outfit.

"His hair." Byakuya said with a hint of disgust.

Rukia titled her head, while Ichigo stupidly looked up as if he could see his own hair.

"That hair color is ridiculous."

Again Rukia titled her head and Ichigo stupidly looked up.

"It's orange." Byakuya continued.

Rukia nodded her head. "You're right Nii-sama. It is indeed strange but-"

"Anyone, who wants to be a part of this family, should not look that idiotic-"

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with my hair!" Ichigo shouted. He broke Rukia's grip and took a step toward Byakuya, he was ready to say more but Byakuya broke in.

"Rukia, would you please excuse us?"

Rukia seemed to hesitate but she gave an obedient nod and headed for the door. Before she left she sent a warning glance to Ichigo. Ichigo huffing and crossing his arms over his chest in defiance.

Byakuya abruptly stood up and quickly Ichigo went on the defensive. His hands up and his eyes suspicious.

Byakuya continued to walk forward and Ichigo took a step back each time. Finally Ichigo's back came into contact with a wall and the raven before him prevented any escape.

Ichigo, with no where to go, panicked. "It was all Rukia's idea!" Byakuya reached out his hand, Ichigo closed his eyes.

*Tug* *Tug*

"What the…?"

*Yank*

"Ow! Stop pulling my hair!"

Byakuya grip tightened as Ichigo struggled, he did not however stop tugging on Ichigo's orange locks.

"Ouch! Let go,…-ow- Rukia!" Ichigo continued to yell bloody murder as Byakuya continued to tug and the other hand was sliding down Ichigo's chest…into his pants.

"What are you…Ahh!" Ichigo was roughly pushed against the wall as Byakuya's hand clamped onto the top of Ichigo's pants.

"I need to see if your hair is really natural." Byakuya said calmly.

Ichigo's eyes widened and he pushed and kicked futilely. "RUKIA!"

…

Byakuya was nursing a bruise on his jaw and he quietly mumbled to himself: "That elbow to the face was unexpected…" (1)

A rapping at his door made Byakuya look up. It was Renji.

"You called for me, Taicho?" Renji asked with a small inclination of his head.

Byakuya nodded as he walked to the other side of the room and looked out the open doors that gave a perfect view of a small garden. "Yes, I need you to investigate something for me."

Renji stood up a little bit straighter. "Of course, Taicho!"

Byakuya turned to Renji, his face not betraying a thing. "I need you to see if that orange hair on Kurosaki's head is indeed natural."

Renji with his eyes forward gave a quick salute. "Yes, Sir!" and he left.

It wasn't until he was outside the Kuchiki Manor did Renji's face contort in confusion. "Wait, What…?"

…

"He tried to RAPE me!"

"Phss, don't be so dramatic Ichigo!"

"You saw it yourself!"

Rangiku sat at the side as she watched Ichigo and Rukia shout back and forth. "What did you see, Rukia?" Rangiku asked excitedly.

Rukia brought a hand up to cover her face. "Nothing…"

"Don't lie!" Ichigo shouted as he jumped off his seat. "Byakuya had his hand down my pants!"

Rangiku's eyes widened with amusement and disbelief. "Is that true?" She asked turning to Rukia.

Rukia huffed but answered. "Well,…Ichigo was screaming as if he was being eaten alive by zombies,…so I opened the door even after Nii-sama had excused me." Rangiku leaned forward in her chair. "And yes, Nii-sama had Ichigo pinned to a wall- but I didn't get a good look-"

"See I told you!"

"-But I didn't get a good look on where Nii-sama's hand was because you hit Nii-sama in the face!"

Rangiku mouth opened in an exaggerated "o"

"He was distracted! It was my only chance to get away!"

"You elbowed him! …in the face!"

"He tried to rape me!" Ichigo stomped out of the room leaving Rukia and Rangiku alone.

Rukia watched him go and she gave a loud sigh.

"Wow." Rangiku said as she fished a bottle of hard alcohol out. Rukia nodded her head in agreement. "Say, Rukia?" Rukia turned to her. "What are zombies?"

…

Ichigo was still fuming as he walked around Soul Society to nowhere in particular.

"Hey, Ichigo!"

Ichigo turned and he saw Renji and Ikkaku headed toward him.

"Hey, What's up?" Ichigo asked, his anger from before disappearing.

"How'd it go with Kuchiki-Taicho?" Ikkaku asked, a grin threatening to spilt his face. "Weren't you going to tell him about you and Rukia today?"

Renji gave Ichigo a hard look waiting for an answer.

Ichigo's face fell. "We did tell him, but-"

"Whoa, I can't believe you're still alive!" Ikkaku exclaimed. He then gave a Ichigo a strong pat on the back. "That must mean he accepted, right?"

Ichigo shook his head, his anger rising again. "No, he said he didn't approve because of my hair color. I mean what the hell is that about!"

Renji seemed deep in thought as Ikkaku titled his head, both looking at the wild locks of orange hair on Ichigo's head. "You know, now that you mention it,-"

"Shut up, it's natural!"

Renji finally spoke. "Ah, now I understand Taicho's odd request."

Ichigo was confused.

Ikkaku nodded his head toward Renji, a silent agreement passing between them. "Now?" the bald man asked, a hint of a smile on his face.

"Now!"

They both pounced on the surprised Ichigo. "AHHHH!"

…

"I see." Byakuya said slowly.

Across from him stood Renji and Ikkaku. Both of them were blood soaked and exhausted looking. Their clothes were torn and both sported a black eye. "He resisted quite a bit, Sir." Renji said bowing low since he failed. Ikkaku hissed as he put some ointment on a wound on his arm. They suspiciously looked like nail-scratch marks.

"Perhaps we should go about it a different way." Stated Byakuya as he walked out the door.

Renji looked at Ikkaku, who shrugged, and they followed behind Byakuya.

…

"That was a brilliant idea, Taicho!" Renji exclaimed as they walked out of the 12th division.

"Kiss ass." Ikkaku mumbled under his breath. Renji glared at him, but didn't say anything as Byakuya spoke.

"We should hurry before Ichigo leaves."

They flashstepped away toward Ichigo's energy signature.

…

All three of them quickly ducked behind a large bush. Ichigo was about to pass by any second.

Digging inside a bag that had the 12th division logo on it, Byakuya tossed the sunglasses that were inside toward Renji and Ikkaku.

Byakuya put on the specialty-made-sunglasses, Renji and Ikkaku followed suit. All three heads snapped to Ichigo who was walking by.

"Wow, they really work." Renji muttered.

Byakuya spoke under his breath. The words coming out as though they were profanities. "He really is a natural orange-head."

Ikkaku was shaking his head. "Man, this is sooo wrong. Here Ichigo is walking fully clothed, but behind these glasses I can see him as though he was walking in the nude!"

Renji quickly agreed. "Yeah, maybe these sunglasses weren't such a good idea."

At that moment Rangiku walked by.

All three of their heads simultaneously moved to follow Rangiku's form.

"On better thought, perhaps these glasses aren't so bad." Ikkaku said. Renji agreed.

…

"Mayuri-sama?"

The Captain of the 12th division looked up from his work table to his lieutenant in front of him. "What is it, Nemu? I'm quite busy."

She tilted her head as though she was a curious child. "Why did Captain Kuchiki and those other two want those glasses that you specially made for them?"

Mayuri looked back down to his work, his fingers working speedily over black and red wires. "Because they're perverts, Nemu."

"Oh."

**END**

**A/N** Hope that made you laugh or at least put a smile on your face. The zombie comment was in honor of Halloween. Thanks for reading -NHT

(1) This is the same line Urahara uses when Ichigo elbows him in the face. I just thought I'll throw it in there.


End file.
